My Bell Jar

hi my name is clara. my posts consist of me talking to imaginary people and it feels nice. Thanks for dropping by, hope you enjoyed listening to me .

“This fall I think you’re riding for—it’s a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn’t permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement’s designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn’t supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn’t supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got STARTED.”
― J.D Salinger The Catcher In The Rye




yes hello!! just hanging out in my room with the most extraordinary dog on a Wednesday afternoon



Emma Watson’s “HeforShe” speech in NY

(Got this from buzz feed) As a celebrated actress Emma Watson is using her voice right and I love and respect her even more for this amazing speech. The full article can be found here.

“The more I spoke about feminism, the more I realized that fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating,” Watson said. “If there is one thing I know for certain is that this has to stop.”

Today we are launching a campaign called “HeForShe.” I am reaching out to you because I need your help. We want to end gender inequality—and to do that we need everyone to be involved.

This is the first campaign of its kind at the UN: we want to try and galvanize as many men and boys as possible to be advocates for gender equality. And we don’t just want to talk about it, but make sure it is tangible.

I was appointed six months ago and the more I have spoken about feminism the more I have realized that fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating. If there is one thing I know for certain, it is that this has to stop.
For the record, feminism by definition is: “The belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. It is the theory of the political, economic and social equality of the sexes.”

I started questioning gender-based assumptions when at eight I was confused at being called “bossy,” because I wanted to direct the plays we would put on for our parents—but the boys were not.

When at 14 I started being sexualized by certain elements of the press.

When at 15 my girlfriends started dropping out of their sports teams because they didn’t want to appear “muscly.”

When at 18 my male friends were unable to express their feelings.

I decided I was a feminist and this seemed uncomplicated to me. But my recent research has shown me that feminism has become an unpopular word.
Apparently I am among the ranks of women whose expressions are seen as too strong, too aggressive, isolating, anti-men and, unattractive.

Why is the word such an uncomfortable one?

I am from Britain and think it is right that as a woman I am paid the same as my male counterparts. I think it is right that I should be able to make decisions about my own body. I think it is right that women be involved on my behalf in the policies and decision-making of my country. I think it is right that socially I am afforded the same respect as men. But sadly I can say that there is no one country in the world where all women can expect to receive these rights.

No country in the world can yet say they have achieved gender equality.
These rights I consider to be human rights but I am one of the lucky ones. My life is a sheer privilege because my parents didn’t love me less because I was born a daughter. My school did not limit me because I was a girl. My mentors didn’t assume I would go less far because I might give birth to a child one day. These influencers were the gender equality ambassadors that made who I am today. They may not know it, but they are the inadvertent feminists who are. And we need more of those. And if you still hate the word—it is not the word that is important but the idea and the ambition behind it. Because not all women have been afforded the same rights that I have. In fact, statistically, very few have been.

In 1997, Hilary Clinton made a famous speech in Beijing about women’s rights. Sadly many of the things she wanted to change are still a reality today.
But what stood out for me the most was that only 30 per cent of her audience were male. How can we affect change in the world when only half of it is invited or feel welcome to participate in the conversation?

Men—I would like to take this opportunity to extend your formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue too.

Because to date, I’ve seen my father’s role as a parent being valued less by society despite my needing his presence as a child as much as my mother’s.

I’ve seen young men suffering from mental illness unable to ask for help for fear it would make them look less “macho”—in fact in the UK suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20-49; eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease. I’ve seen men made fragile and insecure by a distorted sense of what constitutes male success. Men don’t have the benefits of equality either.

We don’t often talk about men being imprisoned by gender stereotypes but I can see that that they are and that when they are free, things will change for women as a natural consequence.

If men don’t have to be aggressive in order to be accepted women won’t feel compelled to be submissive. If men don’t have to control, women won’t have to be controlled.

Both men and women should feel free to be sensitive. Both men and women should feel free to be strong… It is time that we all perceive gender on a spectrum not as two opposing sets of ideals.

If we stop defining each other by what we are not and start defining ourselves by what we are—we can all be freer and this is what HeForShe is about. It’s about freedom.
I want men to take up this mantle. So their daughters, sisters and mothers can be free from prejudice but also so that their sons have permission to be vulnerable and human too—reclaim those parts of themselves they abandoned and in doing so be a more true and complete version of themselves.

You might be thinking who is this Harry Potter girl? And what is she doing up on stage at the UN. It’s a good question and trust me I have been asking myself the same thing. I don’t know if I am qualified to be here. All I know is that I care about this problem. And I want to make it better.

And having seen what I’ve seen—and given the chance—I feel it is my duty to say something. English statesman Edmund Burke said: “All that is needed for the forces of evil to triumph is for enough good men and women to do nothing.”

In my nervousness for this speech and in my moments of doubt I’ve told myself firmly—if not me, who, if not now, when. If you have similar doubts when opportunities are presented to you I hope those words might be helpful.

Because the reality is that if we do nothing it will take 75 years, or for me to be nearly a hundred before women can expect to be paid the same as men for the same work. 15.5 million girls will be married in the next 16 years as children. And at current rates it won’t be until 2086 before all rural African girls will be able to receive a secondary education.
If you believe in equality, you might be one of those inadvertent feminists I spoke of earlier.

And for this I applaud you.

We are struggling for a uniting word but the good news is we have a uniting movement. It is called HeForShe. I am inviting you to step forward, to be seen to speak up, To be the he for she. And to ask yourself if not me, who, if not now when.

Thank you.

family minute


me and Owens on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night by Janey Jane cheong and her spoilt purple tinted camera. Thank you Jane Jane jie jie *heartheartheart*

Typing/ranting while waiting for time to pass! (blabber post of the year more like)

Just finished reading a book on the Game of thrones and eating popcorn chicken now hahaha. I need some time to bop around the internet until it’s time to go catch the midnight movie with my sister so here i am. Speaking of, it’s been a wonderful week with my sissy. We slam the doors in and out of our busy unsynchronised lives, and once in a while, it slows down and we stop going in and out but into each others rooms. Mostly hers because it was the room we both grew up in before I got my own room.

Even though it’s not officially over yet, this wonderful calm period was closed off yesterday, on a friday night skating till 12am, very traditional of us. And all i’ve learnt this week is that as long as i’m out with my sister, there’s no way on planet earth can I ever get a date or make new friends. Hahaha. The small skinny thing turns into a really *rude* and protective demon. *i have a bruise on my left wrist to prove it! (Here’s one scene: she steps infront of me, grabs my wrist and shakes it around going”your friend want her number he cannot ask for himself what kind of a guy is that?! who is he?! which one?? *looks around at the group*” (OH GOD i wanted to cringe and hug her concurrently. also, that poor friend lol!) She goes, “sorry my inner big sister came out, if these guys cannot ask for themselves they cannot date you. seriously leh, who asks their friend to do this kind of thing, what the hell?!” “keep bumping past you harassing you, this is not the way to get a girls attention! are they stupid?! what happened to normal human decency, romance, and manners?! ” Well, she’s been out of the dating pool for 7 years, lost in the bliss of her relationship, and completely oblivious to how tragically scary human interaction has gotten! ahyooooo. Not like it happens everyday. But it’s really something new, watching my sister go off about boys. It has never happened when i’m with my sister before, (boys usually hit on her thinking she’s 16 and I’m left standing awkwardly.) it was embarrassing and hilarious. What a week.

So I was reading *different book* in bed thinking it’ll be relaxing but then I came across this passage “of course, since humans are driven only by self-interest, we won’t keep such promises unless it is in our own interest to do so. You may promise to keep your axe to yourself, but as soon as my back is turned, you will break your promise if it is in your best interest to do so, giving me a swift chop and making off with my lunch.” And it got me thinking about things i don’t want to think about, but the following passage got worse. And you know how we all have this one feedback that we keep receiving some times, mine is always “because you look like you’ll do those things, but the fact is that you’re someone who always just let it go and you won’t say anything, where i’m the opposite.” (this was the phrase my sister said to me friday night while we were cleaning our blades. I was telling her that I noticed how she looks like a  harmless small sheep but is actually so “chew your head off knife your guts” confrontational.) shocked at uncovering this mentality of my sister I asked her “what for? it’s done” “because they know I will absolutely have a reaction, so they won’t dare to cross me,I’m not like you, I cannot stay quiet one. But you look so noisy you attract all the noise. But then you turn out to be quiet.”

And it wasn’t the first time i’ve heard that about myself/ someone said to me what my sister just said. I like to think that we don’t need to instil a sense of confrontational front towards people to prevent “axes”. But everything/one around me has continually proven otherwise. And i HATE the idea of having to be feared to be treated fairly. I do. But then I have to stumble across this book and read this: “what people need to do, then, is set up an authority to make sure that everyone obeys the rules. Once there is someone watching us to make sure that if you give me the axe, you get the axe, it will be in your best interest not to strike as soon as my back is turned.” 

why is this the mentality of the universe, my sweet little older sister included?? Or am I just gullible and a pushover like my sister says I am. I don’t know. I just believe in personal integrity and sincerity and love and honesty. At the end of the day, I like not having to justify the things I do because my actions are powered by insecurities. I don’t like to live my life in “prevention” mentality, or give my insecurities power that my whole life becomes decisions after decisions around it. Some people live like that. But i’m starting to think that all these people have a point. Should I start reacting? But what for. I used to think I know where I stand with these things, but lately, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE. This is all just so annoying. 😦 Does any one ever knows what to do, ever? What kind of a book did I just read anyway! ugh! Okay movie time. What a good rant even though i am no where clearer by the end of this post. :-/

***update: who cares about all my blabber above !!!! MAZE RUNNER WAS AMAZING MY HEART HASN’T POUNDED LIKE THAT EVER SINCE JURASSIC PARK!! Forget the hunger games, forget divergent, The Maze Runner is the one to keep your eye on!!! I had to keep reminding myself that main characters WONT DIE. (at least not in the first movie of this trilogy…..) And no photos because i’m using my laptop *choir angels* and have yet to synch my phone. It is what it is!

On celebrity nudes..

Boy do i enjoy a good sense of humour !

2 things

1) The inside of a grand piano is as good as sniffing the pages of a book
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2) observing everyday people like a tourist at a grand venue,
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“Men have less hesitation about offending one who makes himself loved than one who makes himself feared, for love is held together by a chain of obligation which, because man are sadly wicked, is broken at every opportunity to serve their self-interest, but fear is maintained by a dread of punishment which never abandons you.”


personal milestone


Big update: This is the first photo I took with my new computer! Although my bank has depreciated greatly, the financial independence factor kind of feels great. (i say kind of, because spending your own money on shit never feels THAT great! haha) This computer mean a great deal to me because it is symbolic of my independence from my parents. After since I graduated school, i’ve been slowly fumbling around in the big expensive world trying to figure out how I could stand up on my own. After a few attempts of doing that working thing (if not for curry smit and the rest, that experience would’ve been absolutely dreadful, never again!) and then the age-old classic scrimp&save thing  (while handy at times, it is no way fit to be the main method),now I finally sort of have a system of my own. It’s been awhile since I’d needed to ask my parents to pay or buy me anything (except for the occasional takeaway dinner, which i’m not really counting), so while it is kind of scary, it also makes me very happy. Growing up, i’ve always been more or less on my own, now that I more or less pretty much pay and support myself/lifestyle, I feel like my reality is finally matching what has always been my non-physical reality at home. I no longer need to go to them for money, which has been the only thing i’d to dependent on my parents for.  And to top it off, i don’t have to report to some work place everyday for certain certain hours doing nothing. The last time I saved so hard for something was back during A level’s, scrimping my pocket money to get the annual USS pass…… And that was only $110!!….. The cost of living certainly gets higher and higher, hahahaha. Happy place, definitely. Okay so this is how significant and important my new computer is to me and my life!!!!!!!!! :] I sound really really childish here but i’m going with raw enthusiasm!!! hehe. i’m not going to hold back or be squirmish with how i phrase shit, never been that way, not going to start just because i crossed a new milestone. Am not older am not wiser, just really standing on my own tippy toes for the first time. *internally beaming* (good job calra!)

**My hands were literally shaking while i was signing the slip when the mailman came. After which i took the entire box to my room and sat alone as i unwrapped everything. It felt amazing and I was that excited I had to be alone. I couldn’t even let waddy into my room.

This is my first post via a computer every since I started this blog, minus that one post where i found out I hit 100 followers (hahaha what a silly day) and I was at the airport and had to use the airport computer to blog because wordpress gave me a badge for it and that made me quite excited for some reason even when it didn’t really mean anything. I don’t know if I like or will ever get used to typing on a laptop, it feels so formal and proper, whereas my phone makes me feel like i’m communicating with a friend, we shall see. But i do generally get ever so excited about things! n_n

Lots of love and hugs and kisses and maybe a little pinch on yo cheek,




I don’t want to say much but I’ve been hovering back over to this painting for the good whole of august. You look at a painting and you feel like you’re looking at a picture of your own subconscious. I crave that endless discussion of art, I miss writing those ten page 30m essays. (?!?is this the cravings of adulthood)